"Are We There Yet?"

There’s a slight difference between love and psychosis, I think. Don’t get me wrong; I love my wife. Would I crap my pants for her – repeatedly? That’s the real question.

Love will undoubtedly make you do some crazy things. Watching an entire football game knowing you have absolutely no interest in the sport (Rachel can attest), going to an opera, or sitting through My Best Friend’s Wedding. But is it lying to do any of the aforementioned – aside from crapping your pants, I should say – if you wouldn’t do them alone? I certainly wouldn’t go to an opera with the guys or by myself for that matter. So am I being dishonest by agreeing to go to one with my wife if she so desired?

I don’t think it is lying so much as it is compromise. There are inevitably going to be times where you will have to do something you don’t care to simply because you’re in love. Do I want to give up the big TV with the surround sound when the Thrashers are going into overtime with the best team in the league so Rachel can watch a TiVoed episode of Gilmore Girls? Der. But I do because I love her and, frankly, it’s better to sacrifice than be kicked in the groin. But would I crap my pants over and over again?

Lisa Nowak did. But she’s a space cadet. And, yes, in EVERY sense of the word.

Nowak, a mother of three and a decorated member of the Navy and NASA – she actually flew on the shuttle Discovery – left Houston, TX for Orlando, FL to confront fellow astronaut, Colleen Shipman, with whom she was in a romantic struggle for the affections of yet another fellow astronaut and Navy Commander, William Oefelein. Nowak felt as if Shipman was moving in on her “territory,” and decided to take action. And for the 900-mile journey, Nowak decided it would be faster if she didn’t have to make any restroom breaks, so she put on an adult diaper and decided that “love” was worth the discomfort of sitting in her own waste. Kind of makes you all warm and fuzzy on the inside, doesn’t it?

In addition to her diapers, Nowak was armed with a steel mallet, a knife, some rubber tubing and large garbage bags. Needless to say, when she was captured, Nowak was charged with attempted kidnapping and attempted first degree murder – all for love. Not only that, but according to the detective’s affidavit filed with the court, Nowak “‘stayed at a hotel where she used cash,’ using a false name, and ‘stealthily followed the victim, while in disguise.’”

Aren’t military personnel and astronauts put through strenuous testing to make sure they’re not loony? And you can’t call this a crime of passion. This is in no way the same as a man walking in on his wife cheating on him and he picks up a lamp and beats the guy to death. This was premeditated. She went to the store, purchased a package of diapers, large trash bags and a steel mallet, found some rubber tubing and a knife, and went to confront the woman who was moving in on her man.

But the kicker for me: She peed on herself for 900 miles because she didn’t want to stop. She does know that gas stations have facilities, right? Or does she have the new 75-gallon onboard gas tank attachment only available to NASA lunatics?

“Bend me, shape me anyway you want me. If you’re gonna love me, than it’s alright.”